Talkback of the Month

Scene: At a party, talking to a semi-friend

What they say: “I can understand why it’s so hard to make the decision to have children – you really have to be unselfish.”
--Laura 36, 2 children

What you would like to say: Creating a mini-me, how utterly selfless—not!

What you actually say: Excuse me, but have you seen the waiter with the bite-sized tapas?

The un-pregnant have rights too

Monday morning at 6:20 a.m. is a hard time for anyone. For me it involves standing on a corner of Broadway in the 70's trying desperately to hail a cab to get to my swim workout on time. Two weeks ago, after standing with my arm extended for ten sleepy minutes, an empty, available cab finally appeared. At that moment, a very pregnant woman with full make-up and coiffed hair appeared from nowhere and stepped in front of me to steal my cab. As she got in, she turned to me, "You don't mind do you, I'm expecting in a month." And off she went. I missed my swim.

Last Monday, the exact same thing happened. I recognized my made-up and coiffed cab-snatcher, but she did not seem to remember me. As she got into my cab, she again told me when her baby was due. Again, I missed my workout. When did I lose my rights to the cab I waited ten minutes for? My pregnant nemesis clearly had ample energy for her beauty regimen, why didn't she have the energy to hail her own cab? She chose to become pregnant, presumably she is even happy about it, but I see no reason why that means that I have suddenly become her personal early morning cab hailing service. I guess in a week or two she'll be graduating to stroller-induced thoughtlessness.

Finally, scientific proof...and Oprah!

Finally, scientific proof that we're allowed to be happy without children. Rutgers University recently conducted a study on the State of our Unions that proves that children may be hard on marriages. And today, Ayelet Waldman (Michael Chabon's wife) admitted to Oprah's television viewing audience that she loved her husband more than her children (and narrowly missed being torn to pieces by angry moms). But why shouldn't she? Her children are going to grow up and leave home. She has her husband for the rest of her life. We're not claiming that we're happier than all the people with children, but we sure wish everyone would just stop harping on us that we're missing out, unfulfilled, don't understand love, and aren't completely realized women, just because we don't have children.

Fake Cellphone Calls – the depths childfree woman have to sink to in order to get a little sympathy

We were amazed by this article in yesterday's NYT about a woman who faked a cell phone call to her imaginary son when she realized she’d forgotten her wallet. Good thing she wasn’t in our checkout line. We are not more sympathetic to someone who forgets their wallet just because they have kids. We all have reasons to be harried. We're tired of the kid excuse for every thing that goes wrong--being late, not returning phone calls, missing meetings, being generally unreliable. We prefer our favorite excuse, I’m sorry, I couldn’t do _______, I was overwhelmed by existential angst.

Myth of the Month

Children will keep your marriage together. According to a recent long-term study published in the Journal of Marriage and Family, couples without children experience ten percent MORE marital happiness than couples with kids. So, go have a romantic dinner with your partner and enjoy!

The Nine Not Expecting Principles

1. Be a late bloomer – 50 is good
2. Enjoy sleeping late
3. Pretend you are immortal and thus need to leave no legacy
4. Avoid people younger than you – so you feel like the baby of any group (except for young good-looking men – seek them out)
5. Develop bad habits that could not possibly be given up for pregnancy
6. Befriend the small children of friends – give them inappropriate gifts, teach them dirty words – so they will take care of you when you are old
7. Spend large amounts of time with friends who have small children. Study the effects
8. Always wear good lingerie
9. Never forget romance (see rule #4)