Not expecting

Being the crazy aunt

2005-06-14T16:57:00.000-07:00

When I was growing up, all my parents' siblings had children. So, to my mind, all my cousins were extensions of my parents and though I liked them, I was a bit scared of them too. As an adult, I have cordial, but distant, relationships with them.

This past weekend I visited my brother, who has three children--eight, six, and three. They are a fantastic mix of obedient and exuberant, polite and playful. My partner and I did races around the lawn with the kids. We practiced cartwheels and handstands and sommersaults. We played in the blow-up kid's pool, riding them around on my shoulders and falling off backwards in fits of glee. We went bike riding. We played imaginary games and tore in and out of the house at full speed. By the end of the weekend, the kids were making themselves almost sick with excitement. Of course this isn't the kind of thing to do with kids every day. That's why they need a crazy aunt, who doesn't need to be mindful of setting rules, who has saved up all her playing energy just for them, and who can lavish them with undemanding attention. I can enjoy my brother's children more, because they aren't mine to discipline and raise every day. I hope that as they grow up, I can be a mentor and a friend to them, in a way I couldn't be if I was someone else's parent. I like to think they're lucky, to have an extra set of adults with whom they come first.

The childless need weekends too!

2005-06-07T14:08:00.000-07:00

In a recent career couch section of the NYT, advice was given to workers who are asked to pick up the slack for their co-workers with family commitments. When asked to work overtime or on the weekend, what should you do? One answer made our hearts sing. "Your first option is to say no."

Yep. Just say no in the timeless words of Nancy Reagan. How liberating. No guilt. No lame excuses. No justification. What a concept. Your free time is just as valuable as theirs. And legally, flextime is flextime, whether you are picking up kids or picking up a bottle of wine.

Just for kids...why?

2005-06-06T07:32:00.000-07:00

I was peacefully eating my cereal this morning, when the side panel of my organic milk caught my eye. Specifically, this line: "Studies have shown that children who eat a predominantly organic diet have far lower levels of pesticide residues in their bodies than children who eat mostly non-organic foods." There's so much I could say about this, starting with, duh, is this supposed to be a surprise? But, as this is a blog on childfree issues I'll stick to that. Why is it that they (the milk marketing copyists) need to say children? Why not say people? As an adult I don't think that having pesticide residues in my body is terribly appealing, or indeed healthy. True, as an adult I may be able to metabolize bad stuff somewhat better than a small child, but that's still no reason to stuff my body full of chemicals. People need to be healthy, not just children. The same goes for so many things that are categorized as "what children need." Children need to eat a balanced diet and play outside. So do adults, unless they want to have a triple bypass. Children need sleep. So do adults, unless they want to be crabby and fall asleep at work at 3:00 p.m. Children need love. So do...need I say more. And what message do we send to children? That being an adult is the end, don't even bother trying anymore because once you're past childhood you might as well just eat the pesticides straight from the bottle. No thanks. I'm opting for adulthood as a continuation of childhood with extra perks, like being old enough to go on vacation without a chaperone.

Another one bites the dust... or maybe not

2005-06-03T06:19:00.000-07:00

Out to dinner with a friend last night, who is getting married in the fall, we talked about weddings and parents and then, inevitably, kids. She said they wanted to have kids soon because she wasn't getting any younger. This didn't suprise me. I knew she was one of those people who would want kids if they met the right person, despite childfree leanings in the past. But as she was saying it, and I was feeling genuinely happy for her, that she was getting what she wanted, I felt a wave of sadness, as if she had already moved out to the suburbs and stopped calling, had already become immersed in this whole other life. Although I do have friends with children, some really good friends, there are others I've lost contact with or lost a connection with over the years. Since many friendships are based on shared experiences, I guess it's not that surprising that they fade when you have less and less in common, but it's still sad.

The Six Stages of Childfree Life

2005-06-01T16:10:00.000-07:00

After years of research and analysis (aka bellying up to a nice bar with a vodka gimlet and talking to women friends of all ages) we've determined that there are distinct phases in the childfree life. For most of us the decision not to have children isn't made once, it's made about a million times with varying levels of fervor. True, this is hardly a revelation, but you probably didn't know there were six stages. Actually, neither did we until we decided to write about it and figured we needed a catchy way to describe it. So without further ado, here they are:

1. Whatever
The blissfully clueless stage up until age 25

2. Later
The party-hard pre-reality stage from age 25-30

3. You’re on my last nerve
The too-many baby showers anger stage from age 30-35

4. Don’t go there
The reality bites denial stage from age 35-40

5. Oops, I forgot to have children
The last chance will-you-won’t-you stage from 40-45

6. Happily ever after
Ah, finally, the acceptance stage from age 45 - eternity

Finally, a book for us...

2005-05-24T11:45:00.000-07:00

Bookstore shelves bulge with offerings for parents and (almost worse) parents-to-be and wanna-be's. Everything from fertility, to adoption, to minute-by-minute monitoring of a woman's pregnant days. What was once a natural phenomenon (and still is for most forms of organic life), has been turned into an industry. Few would dream of conceiving, much less being pregnant, without a dozen guidebooks to help them along the way. Now, try to find the books for us childfree people--books that talk about how we made the decision, how we live our lives, and what we can learn from other people's experiences. It's slim pickings indeed. All this only fuels the societal conception that to be pregnant and to be a parent are not choices, but the only proper progression.

Despair not though, at least one new book on the topic will be hitting the shelves in the US in October (it's already out in the UK), and it's straight up and honest, bound to enrage any parents who accidentally pick it up. In an article titled "The brat trap" in last week's issue of Time Out London, Nicki Defago, the Brit author of Child Free and Loving It!, wrote: "I'm amazed by how disapproving parents can be towards happy non-parents. Perhaps they didn't realise they had a choice too!...I wouldn't dream of judging someone on the basis of their decision to procreate, but for the record, parents have children because they want them, not for the greater good of society. If they're as truly unselfish as they claim, why could they not offer a home to one of the many thousands of children awaiting adoption?"

The joy of birth control

2005-05-17T12:42:00.000-07:00

"I have never given birth. Now I'm starting to wonder if I ever will. Looking back on my lifelong quest to avoid pregnancy, I have to say that birth control is one of those things I just cannot get enough of. The pill is just an appetizer for me. Condoms, diaphragms, foam, whatever. Honestly, if I could build a dam of mud and twigs up there, I would."--Cathryn Michon, The Grrl Genius Guide to Life

Talkback of the Month (or the aging parental mindset)

2005-05-06T09:00:00.000-07:00

Scene: 5 year old's birthday party. Kids are running wild.

What they say, “I think you notice that you're aging more if you have children.”
-- mother of birthday boy

What she means: My time is more valuable than yours because I am in charge of a living, breathing, birthday-having, small person, while you have a meaningless life filled with fluff.

What I want to say: “In case you haven’t noticed, we childfree women have mirrors too and you can bet we notice that we're aging.”

What I say, Nothing.

Of course, maybe she's right, but not in the way she thinks. Maybe she notices her aging more because she is aging faster than we childfree-folk. Have you ever noticed how grown up your breeder friends think they are--giving answers to all of life's questions, molding small minds, forgetting about real adult fun, and our unavoidable human fallibility and fragility? The burden isn't the children, it's the mindset, and I guess it can have an aging effect.

If you are easily offended, read on...

2005-05-02T05:45:00.000-07:00

Here's our latest guilty pleasure, the Lexicon of Spawn, which has new terms for everything you've thought but haven't dared to say about the child-challenged.

Here are a few of our favorites:

Diaperwhipped – catering to every whim of a spoiled child

Spoggrenfrau – A woman who derives her identity and self-worth from her children

Thinker - Two healthy incomes, no kids, early retirement

Talkback of the Month

2005-04-26T07:24:00.000-07:00

Scene: At a party, talking to a semi-friend

What they say: “I can understand why it’s so hard to make the decision to have children – you really have to be unselfish.”
--Laura 36, 2 children

What you would like to say: Creating a mini-me, how utterly selfless—not!

What you actually say: Excuse me, but have you seen the waiter with the bite-sized tapas?

The un-pregnant have rights too

2005-04-22T07:46:00.000-07:00

Monday morning at 6:20 a.m. is a hard time for anyone. For me it involves standing on a corner of Broadway in the 70's trying desperately to hail a cab to get to my swim workout on time. Two weeks ago, after standing with my arm extended for ten sleepy minutes, an empty, available cab finally appeared. At that moment, a very pregnant woman with full make-up and coiffed hair appeared from nowhere and stepped in front of me to steal my cab. As she got in, she turned to me, "You don't mind do you, I'm expecting in a month." And off she went. I missed my swim.

Last Monday, the exact same thing happened. I recognized my made-up and coiffed cab-snatcher, but she did not seem to remember me. As she got into my cab, she again told me when her baby was due. Again, I missed my workout. When did I lose my rights to the cab I waited ten minutes for? My pregnant nemesis clearly had ample energy for her beauty regimen, why didn't she have the energy to hail her own cab? She chose to become pregnant, presumably she is even happy about it, but I see no reason why that means that I have suddenly become her personal early morning cab hailing service. I guess in a week or two she'll be graduating to stroller-induced thoughtlessness.

Finally, scientific proof...and Oprah!

2005-04-20T17:47:00.000-07:00

Finally, scientific proof that we're allowed to be happy without children. Rutgers University recently conducted a study on the State of our Unions that proves that children may be hard on marriages. And today, Ayelet Waldman (Michael Chabon's wife) admitted to Oprah's television viewing audience that she loved her husband more than her children (and narrowly missed being torn to pieces by angry moms). But why shouldn't she? Her children are going to grow up and leave home. She has her husband for the rest of her life. We're not claiming that we're happier than all the people with children, but we sure wish everyone would just stop harping on us that we're missing out, unfulfilled, don't understand love, and aren't completely realized women, just because we don't have children.

Fake Cellphone Calls – the depths childfree woman have to sink to in order to get a little sympathy

2005-04-15T11:02:00.000-07:00

We were amazed by this article in yesterday's NYT about a woman who faked a cell phone call to her imaginary son when she realized she’d forgotten her wallet. Good thing she wasn’t in our checkout line. We are not more sympathetic to someone who forgets their wallet just because they have kids. We all have reasons to be harried. We're tired of the kid excuse for every thing that goes wrong--being late, not returning phone calls, missing meetings, being generally unreliable. We prefer our favorite excuse, I’m sorry, I couldn’t do _______, I was overwhelmed by existential angst.

Myth of the Month

2005-04-07T11:51:00.000-07:00

Children will keep your marriage together. According to a recent long-term study published in the Journal of Marriage and Family, couples without children experience ten percent MORE marital happiness than couples with kids. So, go have a romantic dinner with your partner and enjoy!

The Nine Not Expecting Principles

2005-04-07T11:38:00.000-07:00

1. Be a late bloomer – 50 is good
2. Enjoy sleeping late
3. Pretend you are immortal and thus need to leave no legacy
4. Avoid people younger than you – so you feel like the baby of any group (except for young good-looking men – seek them out)
5. Develop bad habits that could not possibly be given up for pregnancy
6. Befriend the small children of friends – give them inappropriate gifts, teach them dirty words – so they will take care of you when you are old
7. Spend large amounts of time with friends who have small children. Study the effects
8. Always wear good lingerie
9. Never forget romance (see rule #4)